I’ve heard a few rumblings about a pumpkin shortage lately, but it seemed that it was mostly a canned pumpkin shortage which didn’t concern me as I’ve had the same 4 cans of pumpkin in my cupboard for the last six years. I like to make pumpkin pie out of fresh pumpkin because taking 2 or 3 hours to do something instead of 30 minutes is a skill of mine and also I can feed all the stringy goop inside to the Pinkertons, after which they worship me like a god. The alleged scarcity didn’t merit much thought until one day I looked outside and saw a pumpkin shortage in MY OWN YARD!!!

That’s right, a thieving nogoodnik has taken my pumpkin. And this was no ordinary pumpkin, but a perfectly round, perfectly orange, exceptionally beautiful pumpkin. It was exactly the size of a regulation basketball and whoever took it has just helped themselves to a giant heaping spoonful of “You’ll Get Yours,” not from me of course because I don’t know who they are and probably wouldn’t do anything about it even if I did, but the universe has a way of righting itself over petty bullshit, like the time I stepped in dog poop right after silently mocking a guy riding a tall bike. Anyway, it’s a crying shame about my pumpkin. If only I had grown one that you needed a wheelbarrow to move.

This one is on the way to my piano lesson. Evidently the neighborhood pumpkin thieves don’t want the trouble of breaching that chain link fence and herniating themselves carrying it away.