Is there anything more charming than old deflated Valentines Day balloons stuck in a leafless cherry tree? I thought the neighbors were having a party when I spied these from down the street, but it turns out they’re in my tree. I don’t know how to get them down so I'’m going to leave them there, waving limply in the breeze. Breeze? Did I say breeze, because I meant gale forces accompanied by hammering rains and bouts of hail. All my peas have been unearthed and are mingling with rivulets of catshit. I’m about ready to call the whole thing off and buy my snowpeas at the Farmers Market.

The pea situation is a disappointment. While prepping the bed with compost and nice clean fertilizer from a box I noticed the ground had already been well attended to by what appeared to be 12 or 13 cats. The more stinky yellow piles I removed, the more I discovered which led to a moment of introspection during which I concluded that no amount of catshit is minuscule enough to be on my face. I was wearing gloves and using a trowel but at some point I must have brushed a strand of hair from my eyes and inadvertently smeared dirt and feces on my face because everywhere I went in the yard, I smelled catshit. That’s what happens when you literally have shit on your face, by the way, rather than “being shitfaced” or “shit-canned, or a “chicken-shit,” or the not at all similar “egg on your face” scenario.

When the odor followed me into the house I figured out my problem and took a nice long shower during which I removed 75% of the moisture from my face with a cheap bar of grocery store soap I’d never seen before. It may have been laundry soap. I’d like to say I’ve moved on from this incident but sadly there was no way to scrub my brain, and now my face is scaly.

Back outside I erected an intricate system of bird netting over the newly planted bed held in place by twigs and small rocks, damn near impenetrable to cats in my estimation. Sadly I didn’t foresee the cats pooping ON TOP of the netting because I thought cats BURIED THEIR STUPID POOP GODDAMIT. Anyway, the rain washed out the seeds, the cats weren’t thwarted, and I either have to start over or give up. Grrrrrrr. And I’ve got a bunch of dead balloons stuck in a tree. I think it’s time to move from the gardening portion of my day to the Wine Drinking, Grapes of Wrath Reading, Civ4 Playing segment before I get any more surly.

March is the month of mixed signals. Should I plant my garden or buy 500 more gallons of heating oil? Can I put Mr Meyer and his little green offspring outside or should I dig up the gooseberry bush and bring it in? Will I get hailed on if I go for a walk right now in this blinding sunshine? If March was my boyfriend we would be so through right now. I would burn all the pictures and possibly sleep with his best friend. Two days ago it was snowing and looked like this out the window. I hate you March.

Today it is beautiful and the forsythia is blooming, but you know what that’s called? Too little too late. Tomorrow March will probably do something shitty like rain all day or be 32 degrees because that’s just what kind of month he is. Fucker.

I’m tired of the way winter is lingering. At least the arugula has shown up. I’m having a hard time leaving it alone as it’s about the only thing to eat in the yard.

I guess I could eat this mysterious green which may be a collard, or broccoli, or a cabbage.

I think this is chard. It doesn’t look very tasty. My yard would only sustain me for 16 minutes in its current state. I miss summer.

Well I have the frame of one anyway. Isn’t it stupendous! I’m going to putter around in there with my starts, spilling potting soil with abandon and dribbling water all over not my hardwood floor. I’m going to leave muddy gardening gloves wherever I damn well please in that exquisite 80 square feet of horticultural resplendency and on occasion I shall relax languidly in a chair and sip cocktails of my own design. The humidity will make my hair look great and I will smell like earth and sunshine.

Best of all, Bagpipe Man has promised me a French door off the dining room! I won’t even have to go outside to get to my greenhouse/lounge. Now some people wouldn’t want a hippie looking structure made out of old windows growing out of the side of their house like a mole. Others would not want to eat dinner sandwiched between their greenhouse and a hallway, but I don’t fall into either of those camps. I’m delighted when houses have odd configurations and a wacky design involving a greenhouse, Oh my stars and garters! It truly doesn’t get better than that. Giddy is what I am, because my greenhouse is just smashing. I can’t wait until it has walls.

Snowpea found a few eggs that the Pinkertons had been hiding, and by “few” I mean 42. I didn’t even know I was missing 42 eggs. They had been laying in this old waste basket that I was keeping out in the backyard behind an old metal shed in case I ever needed to dispose of a tissue or piece of chewing gum when I was back there. I figured the eggs were still good since it hasn’t been very warm lately but I put them in a vat of cold water to see if any floated just to be on the safe side. They all stayed put. I hope that trick really works, otherwise I’ll be serving up a bunch of rotten eggs this week. I’ve eaten 4 or 5 already with no ill effects.

It is March already and I’m a little disappointed that the planting fairy hasn’t sneaked into my house during the wee hours and put together my grow lights. I’ve finally gotten the metro shelf up (in the dining room again…sigh) but someone has absconded with all the power strips so now my grow operation is on hold. I’m going to put in some seeds this afternoon and hopefully my power strips will be returned before germination. (No questions asked, large reward for their safe return. They are on a daily medication)

What kind of nimrod spider lives in a blender? Isn’t it awfully noisy in there? The other day I was at the stove boiling bagels for 45 seconds apiece when my spidey sense started tingling. I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye and for once it wasn’t a piece of my own hair or a reflection, but an honest to god gigantic wolf spider creeping around the side of the blender. For a moment I was stuck because I had just plopped 2 bagels into the water and was timing them with the stopwatch on my cellphone (My cellphone is like a cool James Bond gadget. It also shops for ringtones at unusual times and takes pictures of the inside of my pocket). It was super distracting to have my attention split this way and I ended up burning my hand getting the bagels out without taking my eyes off the horrible spider. I never turn my back on a spider because the only thing worse than seeing a spider on your blender is knowing that the spider that used to be on your blender is now SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Even though I prefer to farm this kind of chore out, I decided to get rid of the spider so I could concentrate on my bagels. Wolf spiders can run really fast and this one ducked underneath the blender as soon as I advanced on him. I knocked over the blender with a wooden spoon and made ready to smite him but he was all holed up in the place where the cord gets stored, the place where I PUT MY FINGERS EVERY TIME I GO TO PLUG IN THE BLENDER. And there was all sort of cobwebby horribleness down there like he’d moved in some time ago, and I had just used it yesterday….Ewwwww! I tried to blow him out with a can of air but he wouldn’t budge and then the little straw thing went shooting out of the can and landed behind the spider capsule formerly known as the base of my blender and I had to give up because it was too scary to reach back there.

I went back to making bagels. I used this recipe and they are fabulous even though the damn spider kept coming out every so often to flip me off and I wasn’t timing them right for shit. I was able to continue only because I was secure in the knowledge that once Bagpipe Man came home he would vanquish that spider for good. But then he came home and merely retrieved the straw from behind the blender, shot some more air into the base and then GAVE UP and started drinking beer. So now a spider lives in my blender. I have not seen the spider again but he’s probably still in there and now I have to leave the cord out and be constantly on my guard. Thanks a lot Bagpipe Man.